I've had a miscarriage. My soul is raw. I don't have any other words.

News!

Well, I've been sitting on my little secret long enough, (in all actuality, I haven't been sitting very long at all, I'm just an impatient person!) so it's time to spread the joy.

Come December, we are going to have a new family member. Yes, we are expecting a new little peanut. I'm really very excited! I had my first ultrasound Monday so that we could pinpoint my due date a little better (I have very crazy cycles and we weren't sure when this one was conceived :)), so I've already seen her little jellybean body and that oh so tiny heart fluttering.

Ultrasounds are just breathtaking to me. I'm nosy by nature, and to get a preview peek at my baby is such a thrill. With Peanut's first US, I lie there for an hour and a half just watching. Due to complications, I had five US with my first pregnancy, so I was able to experience the exciting growth progression from inside and out. We were even able to bring in each of the Grandmas for their own private US showing. :)

I was so frightened at Peanut's delivery. I sat up at night during my last month asking myself why did I think that having children would be fun. I was convinced that I would never make it through labor and that I would be a horrible mother. Every conceivable doubt crowded my head day and night. From this side of the ordeal though, I am so happy that I have my baby girl and I feel so blessed to be given another little one to care for. In my hormone euphoria, I would gladly have ten more!

My Hero!

My wonderful husband giving me 20 minutes of peace to collect my thoughts and do the dishes without having to chase Peanut down off of the dishwasher door.

 


 


 


 

Tag, I'm It!

I've been TAGGED!
The wonderful thicketdweller gave me the tap, so here are my answers.

Here's how it works. I chose five of the questions to answer below, then the people I tagged (I'll list them at the end) answer their own five questions, then tag their own five people.

The Questions:

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an inn-keeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be an astronaut...
If I could be a world famous blogger...
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world...
If I could be married to any current famous political figure...


If I could be a librarian... I would open a new library in a small town somewhere sparsely populated. I would help bring a little variety of entertainment to that little town in Montana, or Alaska, or North Dakota where the only place to go is the local bar or bowling alley. I would use my millions in private funds (of course it would have to be privately funded, as the government would consider it a waste of money) to bring in books and DVDs and tapes on any subject that people wanted or needed. We would have a full program of speakers, both guest and local, to teach about the history and nature of the surrounding areas. We would have sofas and chairs scattered everywhere, lots of windows for natural light, and internet connections for anybody who needed it. It would be as inviting and user friendly as possible. And, of course, everyone would make use of it!


If I could be a chef... it would be so exciting to try new dishes. I would learn all I could about flavors and techniques so that I could whip up a new, amazing dish at a moment's notice. I would develop good tasting, white-sugar free, health-infusing recipes that my husband and everyone else would love to eat and love to make. I would invite anyone who wanted to learn over to my own kitchen and we would cook and laugh and learn and feel enriched by each other's gifts. I would also eat and not worry about the calories or salt or preservatives, because I had made the dish and I knew what was in it.


If I could be a gardener...I would have a historical herb garden. We would have examples of different types of herb gardens from the past and there would be knowledgeable people there to answer questions and help you get a hands-on feel for the herbs. We would offer classes on the cooking and medicinal uses of herbs, and the best way to prepare them. I would make a supreme effort to gather specimens of every herb still growing today, keeping a growing record of long-forgotten, almost gone, historical strains. And anyone who wanted a slip of something we had growing could take it with them, free of charge.


If I could be a scientist...I would be an archeologist and an anthropologist. I would study ancient civilizations and peek into their everyday lives. I would sit at historical digs, late at night and just imagine the lives that places like Pompeii or Machu Picchu held, the everyday-ness that must have existed. The laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the births and marriages and deaths. I would remember that even though centuries separate me from those wives and homes, they and I were so similar. I have the same sorts of hope and dreams that other women in other times held dear. I would remember that for all of our technological advances, we are all still the same human race at the core.


If I could be a llama-rider...then maybe I would be able to put my fledgling spinning skills to work. I would have easy access to all of the "wool" that I wanted! Maybe even my insatiable need for yarn to fuel my knitting habit would be met!




And as I look around my small corner of the bloggospere, I notice that all of my blogger friends have already been tapped. So I tap no one. Sorry, TD, I guess this link of the chain stops with me! :)

Ancient Goodies

I just started reading a really interesting book called The Philosopher's Kitchen by Francine Segan. It is a cookbook (and yes, I do sit and read cookbooks cover to cover. I know, I'm weird) filled with recipes from Ancient Greece and Rome, sometimes reworked for modern ingredients. I was a little wary, having read other books about the time period and hearing tales of candied doormice, parrot livers, and whole roast pig full of nightingales listed as Roman delicacies. But this book is phenomenal. The pictures are so beautiful that you want to jump right in and start eating. Lots of yummy sounding veggie recipes, something we lack around my house, and interesting flavor combinations. The book is also filled with little historical facts and photos, and whenever possible, the author reprints the exact original recipe. Just thinking about the 'Mini Ricotta Fritters' in the desert section makes my mouth water.

Ms. Segan also has two other cookbooks called Movie Menus and Shakespeare's Kitchen which I have never heard of but am now looking forward to reading. Movie Menus looks especially fun. It's a book of meals to make to go along with your favorite movie. Doesn't that just sound like a party in the making?

Niccolo Machiavelli

Today's post is on, of all things, Machiavelli. thicketdweller posted a quote by M. and asked our opinion as to his goodness or badness. As I tend to be long-winded, I decided to answer here.

First of all, let's establish the fact that I am pretty useless when it comes to philosophy. Much of the theoretical talk just turns to mumbo-jumbo in my brain. And political philosophy? Forget it. So any opinions stated here are probably poorly thought out and grossly mis-informed.

From my recollections of "The Prince", the work most people recall when thinking of old Niccolo, the methods that he recommends are very effective, but very morally questionable. In essence, his ideas maintain that for people in power, the ends justify the means, as longs as the "ends" are mostly beneficial to the people in general. No matter how corrupt and morally adverse those means may be. That a unified country is the all important end and that a country is only as successful as its leader, therefore a leader has carte blanche to kill, steal, scheme, pillage, and lie; as long as it meets that end.

Many people believe that this work helped to start a lot of the workings that we consider modern "politics as usual", but it is also said that "The Prince" was only written to impress the ruling family at the time, (The Medici) and was only a device to get M. back into politics, (Niccolo lost his job when the republic in Florence was overthrown and The Medici took over. If you are interested in political history and intrigue, Tom Clancy has got nothin' on the Renaissance!), and that he was a real "government for the people, by the people" sort of man.

So what does all of this mean to me? I think that Machiavelli, at times, had some very noble ideas. In some of his other works, you can see that he knows his stuff when it comes to creating situations that benefit the public in general, but I think that he had a hard time seeing that all choices, good and bad, have an effect on outcome and they can taint any victory, even if it lifts up and helps lots of people. Even if he is "misunderstood" by his work on "The Prince", and it really was just a political brown-nosing pamphlet, that still comes back to the old "ends justify the means" part. Even if he had made it back into politics (which he didn't) and helped Italy to unite, is it really OK to fake your ideas and opinions in a profession in which those are often the only things that distinguish you from the next guy. I, in my naive opinion, say no. We in America today get a first-hand look at this sort of mentality, with the underhanded deals and morally corrupt decisions that are made by some members of our government every day.

You have to live with your choices. You must be able to stand back, at the end of the day, and say that your soul is at peace with everything you have done. Opening up a moral gap to allow questionable practices through, even if it means prosperity and gain, begins the process of deadening your very soul. It may sting a lot the first lie or murder, but it won't so much the next time, and every time after that it just becomes easier and easier. And this also applies to everyday people in everyday situations, of course, not just the political arena. I think that if more of our decision makers dwelt on the moral ramifications of their actions, we might have a lot less to be ashamed of in this country.

So, is Machiavelli good or bad? My vote is for bad. Political genius is no excuse for a poorly formed character, and I think it is very telling that the work Niccolo is most remembered for is the one that he likely agreed with the least. See where those dishonest decisions will lead you?

That's my two cents. (although most of you will think it's more like $1.50, after having sat through this essay!) :)

Picture Day

Today is catch up day for pictures. I have oodles of shots that have just been lying around, waiting for their own post. So in the spirit of efficientcy, here is one big picture blog post!


 


This is the state in which we found Peanut last Saturday morning. She is getting into that strip all your clothes off phase, and most mornings we find her in some state of undress or another. The was a new variation on the theme though. I wish I was flexible enough to pull off something like this. And believe it or not, we found her standing up this way. Sometimes I think that Peanut is actually a circus baby that was accidentally dropped off with us!

 



This is our new tent. Actually, I think it should be referred to as a packable home. It almost has as much square footage as our real house! In fact, it has two closets and a screen porch. I can't even say that about our "real" house. This was an anniversary gift from my parents-in-law. And yes, we do enough camping to warrant this behemoth.

 

The screen porch.

 

One of the closets. And yes those are shelves!

 

A side view


 

These are pictures of Peanut's first attempt at licking the beater. In the end I had to pry it from her hand! And please pay no attention to the remains of lunch in the background, the baby is cute enough to need all of your attention! :)

 


 


 

The shiny leftovers of pudding on Peanut's cheeks!


 

My little glamour-puss and her first sunglasses. She is always snatching Mama's glasses off of her face and these were bought with the hopes of distracting her. So far, it hasn't worked, but she loves to play with these.


These last shots are of Peanut's Dr. Seuss hair. For a long time, my Peanut was a baldy, but now, her hair is finally coming in. It's at that strange stage though, where it is too thin to dry with a towel, but too thick to just let air dry. So here is our solution. Every night we comb it all straight up so that the air can circulate. But it leaves her looking like someone from Whoville!
 


 

 

Somebody's in Trouble

OK. Who did it? I know you are out there.

Our weather forecast for the weekend is predicting 6 to 8 inches of snow.

Someone put away their winter clothes.


We actually have a winter storm warning out. A WINTER STORM WARNING! Last week it was so warm at night that I debated about turning the A/C on. One night, the house never dropped below 80 degrees!

Now, I have to drag the baby's winter coat back out.

Oops! Did I say "back out"?

Ok, you caught me.
Somebody's in trouble, and that somebody is me.
I couldn't help it.
I succumbed to the siren call of spring in Ohio.
I know better.

What was I thinking?

Your Opinion...

...if you care to give it.


I have been doing battle with a local doctor's office since before the birth of my daughter, 17 months ago. They are billing me for a meeting I had with one of their doctors, to interview her as a possible care provider for my then, as yet, unborn daughter. I have tried repeatedly to call and clear things up, but have not been able to talk to a real person nor have any of my messages been returned. Though their posted billing office hours are M,T,Th,F: 9-3, my calls at every time of day have been either been answered with the excuses of "just stepped out for lunch" or "I'm sorry, they are unavailable, can I take a message?". For seventeen months this has gone on. I think that the amount that they are trying to bill me for is outrageous, and of course, our lovely insurance won't cover it. I just don't feel they are justified in billing me $135.00 for chatting with the doctor for five minutes, especially as I had been kept waiting for 80 minutes beforehand. She didn't even take my blood pressure! (which is probably a good thing)

So, I am sending them a letter. I hope that I can finally get things cleared up. But I thought I would post my letter, to ask anyone else if they had an opinion. Does it sound too snobby? Am I being overly dramatic? Here it is:

To Whom It May Concern,

I have repeatedly attempted to contact your office billing department over the last 17 months to clear up this matter. It seems that regardless of the time of day that I call, your billing department is "Out to Lunch" or "Unavailable". I am sending this letter as a last resort to finally get some closure for both of us.

Your office has been sending me a bill for a "Preventative Visit" with one Dr. Wallace, on the date of November 4, 2003. The resulting bill is in the amount of $135.00. At the time I was nine months pregnant and interviewing possible general care physicians for my unborn child. The meeting was not a check-up visit, and there was no exam. I already had both a general practitioner and an OB/GYN for myself , and I was not there as a patient. When I called to set up the meeting, I had asked the receptionist to set up a time slot for me to interview Dr. Wallace.

Imagine my surprise a few months later when I received a bill for a "Preventative Visit", which, of course, my insurance would not pay for as I already have a personal physician. This visit was only to ask Dr. Wallace questions about her background and experience, and judge how well we could work together for the health of my child. I'm not sure if it was a mis-scheduling of time or a misunderstanding of purpose, but I did not expect to be charged for the visit.

I would like to add that I was very impressed with Dr. Wallace herself, but that the general atmosphere of disorder and disarray in the office had definitely thrown up some red flags in my mind. The waiting room was dark and dirty, the bathrooms were unclean, and I had to clarify who I was and why I was there several times for the receptionist. Not to mention the fact that although I arrived 20 minutes early for my appointment, I was kept waiting for an hour past my scheduled time. At nine months of pregnancy, an hour and twenty minutes is no small amount of time to wait on uncomfortable chairs in a dirty, dark room with other patients coughing, sneezing, and smelling strongly of cigarette smoke. In fact, my waiting experience was so unpleasant and contrary to what I was expecting, that I was honestly planning on leaving if my name wasn't called in another 5 minutes. Oh, that I had!

So, I am stating, unequivocally, that I have no plans to pay this bill. There should have been no bill in the first place. If your office was more organized, this matter would have been cleared up months ago. Dr. Wallace was a pleasant, experienced woman who was recommended very highly to me, but the lack of service and general confusion of Dr. Oliverio's office prevented us from taking her on as my daughter's physician.


Sincerely,
Shannon Foster

--------------------------------------

So? What do you think?

I would just like to add that we did try to use Dr. Wallace (she really was that good) once my daughter was born. Peanut was born jaundiced and had to have multiple billirubin tests done after leaving the hospital. I was in no condition to schedule these, so the task fell to my poor husband. He called their office, and tried to set up the tests, but they kept on insisting to know Peanuts name and account number. After trying to explain, MULTIPLE TIMES, that she was only born a few days before and wasn't registered in their system, my husband finally hung up in mid argument. This place was a real nightmare, and it really wasn't fair to Dr. Wallace, because she was great, but the newest member of the practice, so she had little say in what went on.

I'm really glad they were so horrible though, because Peanut's present doctor is a dream.

Ohio's Trick Weather

Well, here we are, in the lovely summer days that sometimes mark April in Ohio. It has been beautiful and warm, with birds singing and nice breezes. But mind, that doesn't mean we aren't in for some early May snow, no sir! Nobody in Northern Ohio may put away their winter coats until late June. HH says! Otherwise, you are just asking for a blizzard!

But I am progressing well. My cough is almost gone. I can see now why a century ago, people convalesced from a disease for months. I feel like I have been through Consumption and back! I have been out working in my yard, barefoot, despite all dire warnings of "Pneumonia!" and "Catching my Death" from my hubby and MIL.( I insist in gardening in my bare feet, I'm just toooo bohemian that way! ;) ) I've also put in the majority of my seeds for the kitchen garden, for which I was also given dire warnings of "Too Early!" and "The frost will kill them". But I subscribe to the do-it-when-it-feels-right school of gardening. Besides, any plants that can withstand my neglect, need to prove themselves hardy early on. What better way, than to weather a frost or two!

Peanut is enjoying all of this outside activity. She is definitely not an inside sort of kid. She is digging and lifting and doing whatever she can to get into trouble, but she's just so cute doing it! Today was also a banner day at the library. Our children's section is at the top of two flights of steep stairs, so Peanut and I usually ride the elevator up. Not today. She refused. Peanut wanted to climb the stairs like the other kids. So we climbed all the way up and all the way back down. She was less winded than I was!

I can't believe how big she is getting. My baby is changing into a little girl!

Rejoining the Land of the Living

First of all, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you guys out there who read my blog, (I had no idea that I have more that two or three readers :)) your get well wishes both posted here and emailed to me privately were wonderful!


But today I decided to get up and out. I have had enough of being sick. So, Peanut and I went to the county Home and Garden show with my parents-in-law. It's nothing grand, mostly like a mini county fair. But the real attraction is the Rubbermaid warehouse sale. We bought so many totes and hampers and things, that we filled the bed of the truck! Maybe they will inspire me to get started on my spring cleaning and organizing, but for now, they are sitting in a big heap on my livingroom floor, amid the piles of toys, books, and shoes. Today's little excursion tired me out enough that I just let Peanut run wild all afternoon and decided to deal with the consequences later. Now that it is later, I've decided that my plan is a bust. What was I thinking?!

Oh, and my husband just called to tell me that he is getting paid overtime to sit and do nothing at work today. He is waiting for someone to finish the first part of whatever he is doing, so he is just sitting 20 feet in the air and snoozing. And when it is actually time to work, all he will be doing is pushing a button back and forth. He tells me this while I am standing in my shambles of a livingroom, trying to comfort a grouchy 17 month old who refused to take a nap today, and coughing my head off.

Why exactly did I quit my paid job with vacations, sick days, and weekends?

 


Oh yeah, That's right!