Friday, June 3, 2005

One Foot In Front Of The Other

Things are going well. My hormones are starting to level out and I don't break into tears very often anymore. It's a relief because I was beginning to feel as if I would never be able to hold a normal conversation again. All of our family and friends are so kind and considerate, but inevitably the question of "So, how are you doing?", voiced in that low respectful tone, comes up. And with every kind thought and question I feel myself holding back tears and trying to voice an answer. Somehow, "I'm doing good" just doesn't hold water when you are standing there in tears.

My thoughts have been going on bizarre tracks also. For the first few days, almost anything could and would set me off. The strangest though, was a rare steak. My husband took us to the lake for a day last weekend, just for a little getaway. He grilled steaks for our lunch and he is a very good outdoor cook, but my steak was a little more rare than I usually like it. As I cut into my steak and saw that small pinkish pool on the plate, I lost control of my tears. Seeing that little bit of blood reminded me of all of the blood I had been seeing lately and I just had to get up and walk away. I never thought I would see the day when a steak made me cry.

But all craziness aside, I really am doing better. I had to have an emergency D/C because I had begun to hemorrhage, so my recovery time was a little longer. The pain on top of the loss was very scary. I didn't know what to think when they rushed me to the ER. I had all of these horrible fears of something going wrong and waking up to a hysterectomy or worse, not waking at all and leaving my husband and little girl all alone. I really knew very little about miscarriages and for me, uninformed is unprepared and scared stiff, so my little brain began filling in the gaps with my overactive imagination. That old childhood defense of "expect the worst and prepare" definitely took over my mind.

The truth is, I was surrounded by a very kind and caring staff at the hospital. My anesthesiologist was a big boisterous guy with a loud voice and kind eyes, doing everything he could to put me at ease. My nurses were actual angels treating me with the most kindness and consideration. I wasn't even left to some random ER doctor. My OB came straight to the hospital, leaving her own family on her only afternoon off, to do my procedure; and she was the first face that I saw when I awoke. I have never been "honey"-ed, "baby"-ed, and "sweetheart"-ed so much in my life.

I have always wanted a "big family". From the time that I knew I was going to be a wife, I started planning my "big family". And then, when we had so much trouble conceiving the first time, my heart began to ache for that "big family" even more. Peanut is such a wonderful blessing and she confirmed that my idea of a "big family" was a good one. But I must say that after the last few weeks, the idea of a "big family" scares me.

I don't know if I have the courage to get pregnant again.

My wise doctor persuaded me away from my request of birth control today. She told me to wait a month and see if my feelings change. I know in my heart that she is right, but the thought of making another little life so vulnerable terrifies me. I feel the heavy weight of responsibility and I just can't let go of that fear.

But I also know, deep down in my soul, that I was never really in control of the situation, no matter how much I pretend otherwise. I know that God's hand is on me even now. Why do I find it so hard to let go of the reins and let him drive? The fact that as a woman, I get the chance to create and nurture new life is purely his gift. Why can't I just say "Lord do what you will with my body and my life." and be at peace about it? My mind is torn by what my heart knows to be the truth.

I guess that my only option is to continue on and hope for the future. Sometimes, just putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward is the hardest thing to manage. I'm lucky to have a good husband and a blessing of a daughter to sustain my soul and remind me of the gifts of love and mercy from God.

1 comment:

Victoria said...

Thank you for sharing. Praise God, the healing has begun!