Wednesday, June 1, 2005


Today has been a reminder day for me. I was finally able to get up and return to the job of caring for my family. I have felt fine for a few days, but my loving husband is also a very protective one, and he insisted I follow the doctors orders to the letter and the minute. The return to our normal routines has been good for everyone.

As I went around straightening and returning things to order, it seemed that everything in my sightline was a reminder of the little life that was lost to us last week. The baby name book on my nightstand. Free samples of diapers and formula that had arrived in the mail. Statements from the insurance company on the costs of my pre-natal testing. A little hat that I had begun to knit. The new truck we had just bought to give us enough room to travel with two car seats. My vitamins on the bathroom counter with their smiling little baby on the label. The little ultrasound photo on the fridge.

It seemed that my own home was mocking my feelings of loss. I headed outside to work in my garden and indulge in a little self-pity. Peanut was ecstatic to be outside. I sat crying into my tomatoes and she ran around in circles just for the pure joy of running.

Suddenly, my beautiful little daughter ran up to me and gave me her first unsolicited kiss. This little child who usually needs to be held down and begged before you can get a kiss or a hug just came right up and planted a big sloppy toddler kiss on my lips. She turned and ran off to her play and I sat in shock. And then I knew.

This was God's reminder to me.

He was reminding me that I was not forgotten. He knows how much my heart hurts. He was telling me that I am not alone. That even though I feel empty and sore, I am very rich in love and the caring of others. That even if there are never any other babies, I have such a good life and no reason to be sad for long. He was reminding me that he has planned my life and nothing that happens is arbitrary. My loss has a purpose and a reason. Most of all, it was a tangible reminder of his love for me.

I wish that I could say that I jumped up from the vegetables and sang a hymn of thanksgiving, and then shook off my dark thoughts and sadness. I didn't, but I did say a small quiet prayer of thanks for his reminder and I have held the memory of that little kiss close all day.


I just wanted to say a big thanks to all of you who read my blog, for sending your kind thoughts and prayers our way. I wanted to say thank you to my family who has been coming in and taking care of things that we could not. Mostly, I want to thank my husband for being so great. He has been caring for the house and the Peanut, working full time, and taking care of me. All the while dealing with his own grief.
Thank you Brian, you are a treasure and a blessing.


MegLogan said...

It is a strong woman indeed who can mourn and find joy in the same moment. I am sorry for your loss, and grateful for this post, which really touched my heart.

The Lord is with you, and it shows!


Meg Logan

Kate said...

I only have a slight sense of what your loss is, as I haven't even been pregnant yet. However, my SIL lost 3 babies to miscarriage and each one broke my family's hearts more and more. One thing that kept us all going, and my SIL is that we WILL see those babies when we get to Heaven, and God has named them for us.

I continue to pray for you.


thicket dweller said...

It's good to hear that you're allowing yourself time to grieve, that your husband is allowing you that time, too, and that you're crying on those tomatoes. They will be the healthiest tomatoes in the county. :-)

Kristen said...


It is so wonderful when the Lord gives us a TANGIBLE reminder of His love like you received today. PTL.

Field Trip Lady said...

I don't know how God can touch us when we just want to be numb, but He does. Thank you for being so open, sharing your most intimate feelings.

You're in my prayers.