Thursday, July 21, 2005

Blue

I can feel myself slipping into a funk.

I'm having my monthly, (thanks HH, we really needed to know that!) thinking of sad things, and generally feeling down.

My biggest sapper-of-happiness is thinking about the baby we lost in May. My arms and mind just miss that anticipated child. I have whole weeks when I'm fine and then, bang, all I can do is dwell on the loss. We wanted that baby so much and it was already so loved. I just can't shake it. I guess having my period is reminding me that I'm no longer pregnant. I can't help but think of our loss, instead of seeing it as a confirmation of my child-bearing ability.

It doesn't help that I have two sisters who are pregnant right now. Both of them are expecting this fall and neither of them want to be pregnant. I have to listen to them wish away their babies. I wouldn't want to be in either of their life situations, but it just stabs my heart to hear their comments.

I'm in the middle of planning a baby shower for my sister with the twins. I have weekly trips to the baby and maternity stores to also remind me of my baby. I think throwing this shower is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I don't want to be bummed out and moody. I have no desire to ruin things. I just have a hard time facing all of it right now. Having a family party with all of our divorces and step-this-and-thats to deal with is never easy. Then add in listening to relatives spout to me about my sister's unmarried state, on top of my own emotional struggles with sadness, envy, and guilt about feeling those feelings. Things are quite a mess.

I don't know what I wanted to accomplish with this post, other than to blog out some of my grey thoughts. So here it is, a peek into my currently addled mind.

6 comments:

Jenny said...

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it.

Monika said...

Yes, sadly I know what that's like. Losing a most-wanted baby and then having to listen to women complain about being pregnant. Vent all you want. We are here to lift you up.

Happy Housewife said...

My very dear i-Mom,

Firstly, loving ((HUGS)) to you. If I were living near you, I'd have called you over for some tea this afternoon. We'll let Peanut play with my stuffed dolls (they are child-safe!:)) and we can talk a bit. :-)

For now, we will have to be satisfied with the internet.

i-Mom dear, it is natural to feel the way you feel. AF is an irritable woman and generally messes you up too whenever she makes her way. Plus, losing a child is *never* easy, esp if you wanted it. (And you are one sentimental sweetheart, so it hurts you even more!) Finally, having sisters with unwanted-pregnancies at the same time and handling the tongue of relatives is already difficult and more severely so under your circumstances.

I want to first assure you that you aren't a weak or moody person just because you feel the way you do now. You are basically a strong, sensible girl - all of us here can see that much. I get so much inspiration and strength from you! But even strong, sensible, pillars of strength have weak-days - that is because you are also a human! Forgive yourself for feeling blue once in a while and like Monika says, that is what we are here for - to pep you up.

See, AF is often unwelcome. But she is not a bad Aunt, per say, you know? She is a wise, old woman and knows what she is doing. She is here for a reason and she comes on command from God. There is a bigger reason why you lost that angel-baby and why you aren't pregnant this month.

Maybe, the universe wants you to help out your sisters and show them some light and be with them in their difficult days... Maybe, you won't be able to give your all to them if you were pregnant with your own coveted child? Maybe angel-baby needed to be with God sooner for some reason? I don't know, I am just trying to guess God's mind. All I know is that things HAPPEN FOR A REASON. A very GOOD one, at that. There are no flaws in God's plan. So try to accept His decisions and keep the faith in Him. Find calm in the realization that it is all for the good, even though we may not see it like that now. :-) ((HUGS))

Dear, you will be rewarded for your goodness someday. God is just and fair and very very loving. All the pain and responsibility that you are bearing on behalf of your family (DH, sisters etc.) won't go to waste. In India we say that a good deed deserves one in return. And we strongly believe that the 'points' that we get from doing good will bring us great rewards later on. Be assured that all your sacrifices and suffering are adding up in God's books. You are simply waiting for your turn. Be patient.

For the moment, think of all the things that went RIGHT in your life. You seem to have a wonderful DH. You have a healthy, beautiful baby, Peanut! Think of the people who didn't even get a decent husband or that one precious child! I am not trying to say that your pain is unimportant or imaginary. But, when we think of people less fortunate than us, it gives us a more relative sense of our blessings.

These bad times will pass, I assure you. They may last only a week or they may last a year, but they WILL SURELY pass. Just bear it with a smile and with faith in God and love for your family. All will be good soon.

I hope I haven't come across as an overbearing preacher. Only meant to share with you my own realizations... These moments are difficult, but when they pass, we become stronger from all the introspection and realization!

God bless you, i-Mom. With lots of love, prayers and good wishes,
HH.

(P.S. Did I offend you with my last post? You say, "we needed to know that!". I am very sorry if I offended in any way. Should I remove that post?)

impromptu-mom said...

Oh, Happy Housewife!
Thank you for your kind comments! They really touched my heart!
And Good Lord no, you didn't offend me! When I said "thanks HH, we really need to know that!" I was talking about myself going on and on about my monthlies. Around here I'm known as HH and I tend to refer to myself that way.

You really are such an uplifing person! Just reading your posts gives me such a sense of calm.

thicket dweller said...

Happy Housewife hit the nail right on the head. What a thoughtful, insightful, prophetic post ("prophetic here meaning 'full of truth,'" spoken in my best Lemony Snickett impersonation).

I agree that it is very natural to feel the way you do. What an inspiring testament to your deep, passionate love for your children!

And dealing with family is NEVER easy, even when life has not handed us an unusual amount of stress. I commend you for the amazing selflessness you're displaying by being so involved in the lives of those new babies. I agree with Happy Housewife when she says that your attitude, your passion and love for your children, may just be the testament your sisters need in their lives. There are so very few good examples of happy wives and mothers in this culture. And here you are, a lily among thorns!

I only feel badly that I was too far down in my own funk to come forth sooner and comfort you. Please, dear one, never hesitate to call me. I will drop all to talk to you, meet you, comfort you. We women...we need each other!

I was reading Proverbs 31 this morning, and, my oh my, do you fit the bill!

Hymn to a Good Wife: Proverbs 31
A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.

Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it.

Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long.

She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing.

She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places and brings back exotic surprises.

She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day.

She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.

First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.

She senses the worth of her work,is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.

She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking.

She's quick to assist anyone in need,reaches out to help the poor.

She doesn't worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.

She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks.

Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers.

She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.

Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.

When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly.

She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive.

Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise:

"Many women have done wonderful things,but you've outclassed them all!"

Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-GOD.

Give her everything she deserves! Festoon her life with praises!

impromptu-mom said...

TD,

Thank you for your very kind compliment. I have always used Proverbs 31 as an inspiration, but I come nowhere near that ideal godly woman. I would like to be all of those things. I fear that I will always be woefully short of them. lol!