I can feel myself slipping into a funk.
I'm having my monthly, (thanks HH, we really needed to know that!) thinking of sad things, and generally feeling down.
My biggest sapper-of-happiness is thinking about the baby we lost in May. My arms and mind just miss that anticipated child. I have whole weeks when I'm fine and then, bang, all I can do is dwell on the loss. We wanted that baby so much and it was already so loved. I just can't shake it. I guess having my period is reminding me that I'm no longer pregnant. I can't help but think of our loss, instead of seeing it as a confirmation of my child-bearing ability.
It doesn't help that I have two sisters who are pregnant right now. Both of them are expecting this fall and neither of them want to be pregnant. I have to listen to them wish away their babies. I wouldn't want to be in either of their life situations, but it just stabs my heart to hear their comments.
I'm in the middle of planning a baby shower for my sister with the twins. I have weekly trips to the baby and maternity stores to also remind me of my baby. I think throwing this shower is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I don't want to be bummed out and moody. I have no desire to ruin things. I just have a hard time facing all of it right now. Having a family party with all of our divorces and step-this-and-thats to deal with is never easy. Then add in listening to relatives spout to me about my sister's unmarried state, on top of my own emotional struggles with sadness, envy, and guilt about feeling those feelings. Things are quite a mess.
I don't know what I wanted to accomplish with this post, other than to blog out some of my grey thoughts. So here it is, a peek into my currently addled mind.
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4 comments:
Hugs to you. I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it.
Oh, Happy Housewife!
Thank you for your kind comments! They really touched my heart!
And Good Lord no, you didn't offend me! When I said "thanks HH, we really need to know that!" I was talking about myself going on and on about my monthlies. Around here I'm known as HH and I tend to refer to myself that way.
You really are such an uplifing person! Just reading your posts gives me such a sense of calm.
Happy Housewife hit the nail right on the head. What a thoughtful, insightful, prophetic post ("prophetic here meaning 'full of truth,'" spoken in my best Lemony Snickett impersonation).
I agree that it is very natural to feel the way you do. What an inspiring testament to your deep, passionate love for your children!
And dealing with family is NEVER easy, even when life has not handed us an unusual amount of stress. I commend you for the amazing selflessness you're displaying by being so involved in the lives of those new babies. I agree with Happy Housewife when she says that your attitude, your passion and love for your children, may just be the testament your sisters need in their lives. There are so very few good examples of happy wives and mothers in this culture. And here you are, a lily among thorns!
I only feel badly that I was too far down in my own funk to come forth sooner and comfort you. Please, dear one, never hesitate to call me. I will drop all to talk to you, meet you, comfort you. We women...we need each other!
I was reading Proverbs 31 this morning, and, my oh my, do you fit the bill!
Hymn to a Good Wife: Proverbs 31
A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-GOD.
Give her everything she deserves! Festoon her life with praises!
TD,
Thank you for your very kind compliment. I have always used Proverbs 31 as an inspiration, but I come nowhere near that ideal godly woman. I would like to be all of those things. I fear that I will always be woefully short of them. lol!
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